Being a Mom is Scary

Seeing your baby stop breathing is one of a mom's worst nightmare. Well I experienced this twice this week. It's like watching your life in slow motion, fearing the worst and doing everything in your power to stop it. 

Monday Ryan was asleep in his Rock n' Play Sleeper; Liam and I were about to take a nap in bed next to him. When I heard a terrible noise. It was high pitched and was like a gasp for air. I sat up so quickly-- it was Ryan and he was turning blue. My heart dropped. I tried to recall all the things I've learned about infant CPR and choking. I picked him up and flipped him on his belly, patted his back and prayed that he was ok. He was struggling to breath and spit up was pooling in his mouth. He coughed and coughed and finally after what seemed like an hour he began to cry.  His cry was weak but it was sign he was ok-- Alive and Breathing. I called his doctor immediately and they told me to call 911.. I couldn't risk it happening again while I was driving. My mother in law was on her way over and we decided she would drive us to the children's ER. Ryan was basically back to normal.

In the ER they informed me that it is NORMAL for this to happen to babies.  What? You have got to be kidding me! My infant just turned blue and couldn't breath and that's normal? They told me he has reflux and that it's common for babies to do this and that it was good that he didn't give up on life and continued to try and catch his breath. Well, thanks. That was reassuring. They gave me the basic run down: Prop him up while feeding him, Keep him upwards afterwards for at least 30 minutes, Be sure to burp him..... I was already doing those things.

Fast forward to Saturday. Ryan was asleep in his carseat, we had just arrived to my mother in law's house. There goes that horrifying noise again. Ryan was choking again. We quickly un buckled him and did the same thing as before. This time we took the bulb syringe to suck out anything that was potentially building in his throat. He was coughing and choking on a clear thick mucus-y liquid. This lasted about a minute or two. It was awful and if I wasn't terrified of leaving him alone already-- I am now. The ER instructed if it happened again that we didn't have to go back in. 

I spent the whole night researching, googling and asking others if they have experienced this. Tuesday I am calling his doctor again and asking to be seen. I can't handle another one of these choking episodes. I've made a list of all this symptoms he has and both experiences are recorded on paper. I feel so alone... that I'm supposed to just be ok with it? It's normal? I know that there is a lot that can be worse but I'm still scared. I break down in tears looking at him. I can't get the fear to subside even for just a minute. I thought second babies were supposed to be easier. I was wrong. Obviously every baby is different. I know that. I just want him to be ok. 

If anyone has experienced this or had a baby with reflux please feel free to contact me. I would love to hear what you did to help your child, if it went away or anything.